Some thoughts on “Pema Chödrön’s 4 Keys to Waking Up”
by Michelle Welch
This month’s Shambhala Sun features an article by Pema Chödrön about waking up. Ani Pema, of course, is one of our most beloved teachers, and I’m sure most people who’ve read this article have had responses to it. I’d like to talk about my response to her second key: “Make Friends with Yourself.”
A male student whose letter to Ani Pema is quoted in the article says, “You talk about gentleness all the time … but secretly, I always thought that gentleness was for girls.” As I’ve encountered the teachings about gentleness, my mind has generated a variant on this excuse: “Gentleness is for everyone else but me.” Some people talk about the challenge they face trying to forgive others, but I’ve always had the opposite reaction, usually cutting others some slack when they make mistakes but being brutally hard on myself for everything I do wrong. Other people are probably just having a bad day when they’re rude, or they were preoccupied with something and didn’t see me when they cut me off in traffic, but if I’m short with a difficult customer or if someone’s driving in my blind spot and has to honk at me when I change lanes, it’s the Absolute Worst Thing Anyone Could Have Done.
As I read more about Buddhism and the Shambhala teachings, I’m led to believe that this is a form of exceptionalism. I’ve created an identity for myself as a person who’s not allowed to make mistakes, not to mention the fact that I’m deluding myself about being separate and different from all the other people in the world who do make mistakes, and when the world gives me evidence that this is all false, I suffer. Okay, I guess I can wrap my brain around that. But what, exactly, am I supposed to do when I actually make those mistakes? How do I accept that? How do I make friends with myself?
Ani Pema offers an answer: “When you have a true friend, you stick together … but you don’t put your friend up on a pedestal and think that they’re perfect. You two have had fights. You’ve seen them be really petty, you’ve seen them mean … Yet you remain friends.” She says that you must apply this same unconditional friendship to yourself.
Seen in this light, it would also be a delusion for me to say that I can be friends with another person despite their flaws, but not with myself. I can look at myself as one of those fascinating, albeit difficult, friends who’s sometimes irritating but still has a lot to offer. I wouldn’t turn my back on them just because they did something dumb, even if they did something that upset me. I might be annoyed with them for a little bit, but I wouldn’t discard them completely.
The male student quoted earlier had more to say: “In the face of things he found embarrassing or humiliating, he realized that it takes a lot of courage to be gentle.” Getting angry at someone – even myself – is easy. Sometimes I fear that cutting myself some slack will mean I’m being lazy and indulgent. It’s a revelation to think of it as something courageous instead.
I guess I’ll have to see how well this works in practice, next time I make a dumb mistake. I’m sure life will give me plenty of opportunity.
